Posted by: Lyn Rex | 12 December 2008

In Which I Am Dealt a Metaphorical Deathblow

I haven’t been updating.  I’ve been mirred in a depression.

My lasy update was on the 18th, and not much good has happened since.

Let’s see since then…

I got laid off on the Monday before Thanksgiving.

Then, I had my two-week checkup with the doctor who explained I have endometriosis and that it would be difficult for me to get pregnant.

Wednesday was quiet, but Thursday I rear-ended someone.

So, yeah.  Mostly I’ve been just depressed about what a complete and total loser I am.

Of course, the job search is going poorly.  I have zero experience, okay four months, in the field in which I will be getting my masters (expected grad date: May 2009).  My biology degree I’m discovering has basically expired since it has been more than five years since I graduated with it.

I am just a pathetic, miserable wreck.  Why would I write?

What would I write about?  The fact that the car I just paid off I am considering selling because I need the cash.  Or the fact that when I look at job searches, I either have the education or the experience but never the winning both needed for getting the job.  Or should I write about how I don’t have references because I don’t stay in contact with people and I’ve moved twice in the last five years each time at least a thousand miles from the previous place.  How I see myself as a burden on my husband, dragging him down, so much so that he is considering taking out a part-time position to make up for my loss of income? Should I write about that stuff?

I look back at my life and see such a series of stupid decisions and missed opportunities.

I look back at my life and see a stupid girl who messes up everything.

I had the cheerleader face on for a while.  I was championing how this was a golden opportunity to force myself into getting into the career I want, rather than a negative event.  I was excited by the possibilities.

Now, I’m just realizing how few possibilities are out there for a 28-year old fuck up with degrees in four fields- well, only three if you discount the expired biology degree, and experience in one field that requires zero education and has no upward mobility. All I can say to myself is “well done, you fucking fuck-up.”

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